Quote 1: What kind of a person am I?
Was it 4 years back when I was pondering…on the day I graduate, what kind of personality would I have? What kind of person would I be? Would I be a respected one? A mature person? A person who would know a lot of things? A person who would be able to do a lot of things, all on her own? A person without any immature thoughts? A person who would only have a respected reputation in others’ eyes? A person who won’t cry….not because she gets stronger, but because she is simply..flawless. And she won’t cry because no hurtful word that she would need to hear and swallow, as there is none to be said in the first place. By people who she thought would love her the most…. I guess it’s too much to ask.
Or was it 5 years back? Perhaps 6? 7? I am pretty sure now that…. I am not the person I wanna wake up being. And I am sure that I was (7 years back), a girl with a childish mind.
These few days, I have been spending a lot of times with people that I come to know for not too long. They are the people that I just knew about one or two years back. It seems that I have been living in a fantasy, before I met them. I knew that these types of people actually exist, but I never knew how impressive they are to me. Perhaps, it’s not that they are that impressive. Perhaps it’s because of me not having such great personalities as they do.
To them, what they do is nothing. It’s just ordinary. But to me, if I do even less than what they do, it’s a big achievement. Why am I like this? I thought that I am no longer 17. In fact, when I was 17, I felt older. Wah…how can 6 years that passed me by, actually make me feel younger?
Disappointed, frustrated. Perhaps those two words describe my feelings pretty well. Disappointing, frustrating. Perhaps those two words describe me best.
But still…those words keeps ringing in my ears.. “Just…what kind of a person am I?”
Perhaps, I am not the best to answer that question.
Quote 2: Kita akan dapat apa yang kita nak.
Those words are the words that I have been saying and holding on to for quite some time. I really believe that you would get what you want, if Allah wants you to. But that also scares me the most. Because I believe that, no matter how hard it is to achieve something, you will eventually achieve your dreams. In other words, if you don’t get what you think you want, perhaps it’s because you didn’t want it bad enough. Perhaps you did not ask Him enough. Perhaps you didn’t pray hard enough. Perhaps you didn’t try hard enough? Perhaps…that’s the best?
It scares me. What would happen next year? Where do I go from here? For once, it seems like… I don’t really know what I want anymore. All these while, Allah has been giving me a lot of things, even without me asking for it. Why has He been so kind to me, even I have been such a sinner in anyways? Allah surely is the Most Merciful. Can I hate myself more? ……… And since He was the one who gave me everything, even when I never really asked for it, right now I am thinking..what do I want? (Sigh)
I am taking this time off, spending it in Adelaide. Away from my parents. The very two people whom my feelings for cant be described by just LOVE. It’s more than that. There are respect, thankful and grateful, fondness, trust and even to an extent, afraid of. They are the bank where I can simply deposit all my problems in and somehow those problems seem to fade away. And of course, they are also….THE bank. hehe. I am afraid that I let them down. Disappointing them the way I disappointed myself. I am afraid of the choice that I make in the future would hurt them. I am afraid about the actions I take would hurt them as well.
Then I ask myself again, what do I really, really want?
Quote 3: Why can’t I just live, the way I want to?
I have never been to a boarding school. I have never taken care of myself, let alone taking care of other people, including my two younger brothers. I am…sincerely, an awful person. I have been living a self-centre life. Not acknowledging the rights others have on to me. In other words, not acknowledging the duties that I have towards others. I have been useless, clueless girl who thought she knew a lot. With her very narrow mind, thinking that enthusiasm is enough to carry her forward. Such a fool I was.
For the past 4 years, I had something to look forward to. At this point of time, there are too many things that I would have to consider. Growing up seems fine? Not sure about that. Would giving up be easy? Again, a childish mind is on play.
Before making any decision, I would have to consider others. Who would be disappointed in me. Why can’t I just live my life the way I want to? Is it because I owe them too much? Or is it because they love me too much? Or is it the other way around?
Why am I typing these down? Did I have too much time thinking? Or was it because I did not have enough time to write in my blog? Is it because I am the kind of person who would tell everything to everyone? Or is it because I can’t verbally say it, hence writing is the best option? Afraid of harsh comments that I might hear, writing seems the best option. That’s why diary is my close friend. It would only listen.
Sometimes, people tell their problems not to find a solution. They just want to be heard. In my view, I am just a coward.
And this time around, I know that this is too personal.