Random Quotes of these days

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Assalamua’laikum wbt.

Quote 1: What kind of a person am I?

Was it 4 years back when I was pondering…on the day I graduate, what kind of personality would I have? What kind of person would I be? Would I be a respected one? A mature person? A person who would know a lot of things? A person who would be able to do a lot of things, all on her own? A person without any immature thoughts? A person who would only have a respected reputation in others’ eyes? A person who won’t cry….not because she gets stronger, but because she is simply..flawless. And she won’t cry because no hurtful word that she would need to hear and swallow, as there is none to be said in the first place. By people who she thought would love her the most…. I guess it’s too much to ask.

Or was it 5 years back? Perhaps 6? 7? I am pretty sure now that…. I am not the person I wanna wake up being. And I am sure that I was (7 years back), a girl with a childish mind.

These few days, I have been spending a lot of times with people that I come to know for not too long. They are the people that I just knew about one or two years back. It seems that I have been living in a fantasy, before I met them. I knew that these types of people actually exist, but I never knew how impressive they are to me. Perhaps, it’s not that they are that impressive. Perhaps it’s because of me not having such great personalities as they do.

To them, what they do is nothing. It’s just ordinary. But to me, if I do even less than what they do, it’s a big achievement. Why am I like this? I thought that I am no longer 17. In fact, when I was 17, I felt older. Wah…how can 6 years that passed me by, actually make me feel younger?

Disappointed, frustrated. Perhaps those two words describe my feelings pretty well. Disappointing, frustrating. Perhaps those two words describe me best.

But still…those words keeps ringing in my ears.. “Just…what kind of a person am I?”

Perhaps, I am not the best to answer that question.

Quote 2: Kita akan dapat apa yang kita nak.

Those words are the words that I have been saying and holding on to for quite some time. I really believe that you would get what you want, if Allah wants you to. But that also scares me the most. Because I believe that, no matter how hard it is to achieve something, you will eventually achieve your dreams. In other words, if you don’t get what you think you want, perhaps it’s because you didn’t want it bad enough. Perhaps you did not ask Him enough. Perhaps you didn’t pray hard enough. Perhaps you didn’t try hard enough? Perhaps…that’s the best?

It scares me. What would happen next year? Where do I go from here? For once, it seems like… I don’t really know what I want anymore. All these while, Allah has been giving me a lot of things, even without me asking for it. Why has He been so kind to me, even I have been such a sinner in anyways? Allah surely is the Most Merciful. Can I hate myself more? ……… And since He was the one who gave me everything, even when I never really asked for it, right now I am thinking..what do I want? (Sigh)

I am taking this time off, spending it in Adelaide. Away from my parents. The very two people whom my feelings for cant be described by just LOVE. It’s more than that. There are respect, thankful and grateful, fondness, trust and even to an extent, afraid of. They are the bank where I can simply deposit all my problems in and somehow those problems seem to fade away. And of course, they are also….THE bank. hehe. I am afraid that I let them down. Disappointing them the way I disappointed myself. I am afraid of the choice that I make in the future would hurt them. I am afraid about the actions I take would hurt them as well.

Then I ask myself again, what do I really, really want?

Quote 3: Why can’t I just live, the way I want to?

I have never been to a boarding school. I have never taken care of myself, let alone taking care of other people, including my two younger brothers. I am…sincerely, an awful person. I have been living a self-centre life. Not acknowledging the rights others have on to me. In other words, not acknowledging the duties that I have towards others. I have been useless, clueless girl who thought she knew a lot. With her very narrow mind, thinking that enthusiasm is enough to carry her forward. Such a fool I was.

For the past 4 years, I had something to look forward to. At this point of time, there are too many things that I would have to consider. Growing up seems fine? Not sure about that. Would giving up be easy? Again, a childish mind is on play.

Before making any decision, I would have to consider others. Who would be disappointed in me. Why can’t I just live my life the way I want to? Is it because I owe them too much? Or is it because they love me too much? Or is it the other way around?

The end.

Why am I typing these down? Did I have too much time thinking? Or was it because I did not have enough time to write in my blog? Is it because I am the kind of person who would tell everything to everyone? Or is it because I can’t verbally say it, hence writing is the best option? Afraid of harsh comments that I might hear, writing seems the best option. That’s why diary is my close friend. It would only listen.

Sometimes, people tell their problems not to find a solution. They just want to be heard. In my view, I am just a coward.

And this time around, I know that this is too personal.

Whatever.

Wassalam

Atas dan bawah,Hidup dan iman ini.

Sesungguhnya, hanya dengan mengingati Allah swt hati mukmin akan tenang.

Gembira tidak semestinya tenang. Kegembiraan biasanya tidak bertahan lama. Ia cuma 'momentarily moment', tidak sampai ke tahap 'temporary' pun, jauh sekali 'constantly' apatah lagi 'permenantly'. Tenang, membawa kepada bahagia. Tenang boleh berlaku 'constantly' atau 'continuosly'. Mungkin 'intermittently' shaken, tapi ia lebih mendekati 'continuity'. Dan kebahagiaan berterusan adalah milik jiwa jiwa yang tenang yang senantiasa mengingati Allah swt.


Kenapa menulis tentang ini?
Kerana hati itu sentiasa berbolak balik. Astaghfirullah..

Wassalam.

Hari hari,

Assalamua'laikum wbt.

Semalam- Raya di Adelaide
Hari ini-Family beraya di Malaysia
Esok-Saya exam.

Sekian.

p/s : Mintak maaf if ada yang tersinggung. Doakan saya ye! :)

...

Assalamua'laikum wbt

Bekas yang buruk, berlubang lubang, tertampal sana sini, lekuk kiri kanan, atas dan bawahnya...tak mungkin mampu menakung air yang jernih dengan sebaiknya. Namun debu masih mampu menapak di situ. Walau dicurah air sebanyak mana pun, ia takkan mampu menjadi takungan yang berguna pada orang lain.

Tetapi sekurang kurangnya bekas itu lebih bersih dari dibiarkan tidak disentuh air.

Dan hari ini, aku menangisi keadaan bekas itu.

Lalu jiwa kuberbicara : Bukankah masa itu sebahagian dari rawatan? Yeah, I am still not the person I wanna wake up being, but InsyaAllah I will be her one day.. Mohon agar ia tidak terlalu terlewat.

Wassalam

Peringatan buat diri sendiri (5)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

Assalamua'laikum w.b.t.....

Dari Tsauban dari Nabi saw bersabda:
"Sesungguhnya aku mengenali segolongan manusia dari umatku yang akan datang pada hari Kiamat dengan kebaikan sebesar gunung Tihamah yang putih lalu Allah menjadikannya debu-debu yang berterbangan. "

“Wahai Rasulullah ! Ceritakanlah keadaan mereka kepada kami supaya kami tidak jadi seperti mereka dalam keadaan kami tidak mengetahui.

"Mereka merupakan saudara-saudara kami dari bangsa kamu sendiri, mengerjakan ibadah di malam hari seperti kamu juga, TETAPI mereka adalah golongan yang apabila bersendirian mereka terjebak melakukan perbuatan-perbuatan yang diharamkan..(bila mendapat peluang melakukannya di belakang manusia)."

Hadith Riwayat Ibnu Majah no.4245, Sahih Al-Albani.

Peringatan kepada diri sendiri.
Imah yakin, ada sesuatu yang Allah ingin beritahu Imah di sini.
Tiada sesuatu yang berlaku adalah kebetulan.

Wassalam.

Selatan Afrika.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Assalamua'laikum

Bahaya. Fisiologi wanita itu merbahaya serta membahayakan wanita itu sendiri. Kelihatannya ia sekadar menjejaskan kualiti kerja serta dalam konteks seorang pelajar, ia menjejaskan pengajian pelajar tersebut mungkin untuk satu atau dua hari, tetapi ia sangat merbahaya kepada iman seorang manusia yang baru belajar menjadi seorang dai'ah. Dan yang paling merbahaya, tidak siapa tahu bila ajalnya akan tiba. Sangat menakutkan, memikirkan ada kemungkinan nyawa akan ditarik ketika iman itu turun. Semoga kita tidak berlama lama apabila berada di lembah itu.

Wanita. Emosi melebihi akal. Cliche kah?

Fisiologi wanita sudah sedikit sebanyak dirungkai, beberapa sifat pada wanita bergantung kepada keadaan fisiologinya pada satu satu masa. Punca yang sama, kesan yang berbeza pada individu wanita yang berbeza. Pada waktu waktu begini, ada antara mereka yang mudah marah, mudah menangis, mudah terasa, makin bertambah seleranya, mula teringat perkara perkara yang menyedihkan dan sebagainya, meninggalkan kaum adam terpinga pinga. Alasan mudah yang diberi wanita pada waktu ini, " Ah, saya sedang PMS! Jangan ganggu saya!".

Bagaimana dengan komponen iman? Sebetulnya, Imah tak pasti, Imah tak tahu. Setelah diperhatikan dalam kehidupan wanita wanita yang ada di sekeliling, rutinnya sama. Apabila waktu itu sampai, memang kesan yang sama dapat dilihat. Kemurungan, kesedihan, marah marah, sakit belakang, bertambah selera makan....dan lain lain. Namun tidak pernah berjaya wanita wanita ini melawan 'rutin' tersebut. Imah sendiri tidak mampu melawan rasa yang timbul mungkin hanya sekali sebulan, yang kesannya sangat menyusahkan diri sendiri dan orang lain juga. Persoalan yang masih berlegar, di mana komponen iman dalam hal ini? Kekuatan iman sangat nampak kelunturannya, sehingga gagal melawan 'rutin' yang sudah lama diketahui akibatnya. Trigger nya mungkin berlainan, tetapi kesan masih sama. Adakah iman ini terlalu lemah sehingga diri ini kalah lagi? Bukankah iman sepatutnya mengawal kemarahan kita, dan bukannya fisiologi diri?

Owh Tuhan. Terasa tidak adil, kenapa ada fisiologi sebegini yang mudah menjerumuskan kami kepada perbuatan yang tidak baik dan menurunnya iman? Astaghfirullah. Maha Suci Allah dari sifat sifat yang tidak layak bagiNya. Segala yang ditakdirkannya bukanlah sia sia. Maka Imah sekadar menyeru kepada diri, jadikan rutin ini sebagai 'pengukur' iman dalam dada. Ingin bermujahadah sehingga iman boleh mengalahkan fisiolgi dalam badan. Adakah layak iman itu dikawal oleh fisiologi badan? Macam buat lawak Selatan Afrika.

Ya, Imah kalah lagi. Tapi kekalahan ini sangat merbahaya. Ia berlaku di walau di mana sahaja Imah berada. Tetapi kekalahan seperti ini bakal mencacatkan perjalanan dalam gerabak ini, yang dihubungkan atas dasar iman, lebih lebih lagi kita tidak tahu bila ajal akan menjemput. Imah memerlukan seseorang yang memahami hakikat iman dan fisiologi serta 'rutin' Imah untuk bertahan dalam melalui waktu waktu sebegini. Tetapi siapa? Lebih penting lagi, sampai bila?

Jawapan kepada siapa, adalah Allah SWT yang menciptakan Imah,semestinya.
Jawapan kepada sampai bila, hanya Yang Maha Mengetahui sahaja tahu.Allahu Allah.

Adakah coretan kali ini bersifat terlalu peribadi?
Tidak pasti. Tetapi Imah yakin ada yang mengalami permasalahan yang sama. Iman dan fisiologi.Atau mungkin Imah sahaja?


Wallahua'lam.
Wassalam.

Kalah lagi.

Assalamua'laikum.

Imah tak mahu kalah lagi. Semoga malam semalam adalah kekalahan terakhir Imah dalam hidup Imah ini.Izinkanlah ya Allah.

"Focus on what you want, not what you do not want."

InsyaAllah.
Terengganu, here I come!